Think Before You Speak

7 01 2009

Nearly 9 out of 10 of LGBT students (86.3%) experienced harassment at school because of their sexual orientation in the past year, according to GLSEN’s 2007 National School Climate Survey.

The Ad Council’s first LGBT-themed campaign, unveiled last month, targets anti-LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) language among teenagers. It features humorous TV public service announcements that star Hilary Duff and Wanda Sykes interrupting teenagers who use the term “that’s so gay.”


Am I out of the closet ?

14 12 2008

teenager_by_adikijaOf course not. I mean… are you serious ?! There is no escape for me, unfortunately. My family is pretty homophobic, especially my father. Gosh, sometimes he says things that are just so awful… 😦 I consider myself quite young (maybe too young) to break my family apart. They don’t want this, neither do I. I know someday it will happen. Just not now. Let’s just say I’m not ready to come out of the closet just now. It is so easy to say: just do it, this is who you are. Of course, I wish to everyone to be out of the closet and be accepted. It’s just not that simple. Not only would my sexual orientation break my family apart, to be totally honest, I am scared like hell of my father. There are so much things that happened in his life and in my life and in our life as a family and knowing that his daughter is lesbian would just be too much, I guess. I am just afraid of what he would do like I’m sleeping, if you know what I mean… Seriously, it’s not even funny. At time, he just so violent. But anyway. My father is pretty much the main reason why I keep a low profile about this. Better off this way.

There is nothing else much to say about this. Except that for the moment, my only alternative to this unfortunate situation is to move out in Ontario (probably Ottawa or Toronto) after my CEGEP studies. In other words: Cut any type of relationship with my family. They won’t know anything about who I would be living with nor how my life is like. I would just be gone.

Well… Nobody knows what the future holds.

Sexuality, identity and God

11 12 2008

 So, this picture right here is an Italian pro-homosexuality campaign that promote the idea that homosexuality is genetic. The poster caption says “Sexual orientation is not a choice”. I think it is a little bit over the top. Some people try so hard to make homosexuality overly accepted that to them, pretty much everything is good to support their cause. Even if it is not true. If it fits with there thesis, that’s ok. I’m not saying that it is false that homosexuality is genetic. But this theory has never been proved. Same thing with the brain activity and size of gays and lesbians. If you want to support a cause, just do it right. This add doesn’t upset me, it just makes me feel disappointed and a little sad. After, if ever someone finds a good and reliable proof that homosexuality is not genetic, then homophobic people are going to use that against us. Of course. It just makes the whole situation more complicated.

 Since society assumes that everyone is straight from birth unless told otherwise, it is a real struggle to define yourself as gay or lesbian. It is a process that straight people know nothing about, since they never have to make that journey. But I wonder if being born gay or not really changes something. You’re gay, you’re gay. That’s it. It’s like: who cares if you were born with blue eyes ? Now your eyes are brown and they are pretty much going to stay that color so why bother about the blue eyes ? You know ?

I mean, do we really chooseto be shy or out-going ? Do we chose to love chocolate and not vegetables ? Have we decided to be touched and affected by discrimination and not by political issues ? I think love is pretty irrational. We don’t know why we love our lover. We just love herhim. We might say: ‘Oh, she’s cute, she’s funny, she cares about me’. But there is more than one lover who is like this, isn’t it ? And we don’t necessarily fall in love with everyone who falls into that description. We don’t know either why we are afraid of spiders or heights or water. We just are. Isn’t the same thing with homophobia ? So far, I met many homophobic people and none of them manage to clearly say why they hated homosexuals.

Aren’t we, as a society, trying to rational the irrational ? I mean: love. Yes, being gay or lesbian or bisexual is about love, I believe. Certainly not about hate, for sure. Some Christians that refuse to see themselves as gay argue that it is not about being homosexual, it is about being a Christian. They say they smoother their sexual orientation and choose to live as a Christian with these attractions which they don’t act upon. They say it is a distinction that more gays and lesbians should see. Okay. Not so bad. The problem is: Are they really going to live all their life with those attractions at the back of their head, not going to satisfy them at all ? If you are happy with the heterosexual live, good for you. But you might want to ask yourself if your are doing that for you or for someone else ? Usual answer: ‘This is what God wants for me’. Or something of that effect. Doesn’t God want you to love yourself the way you are ? …  No ? Yes ? -_-‘

I don’t want to start the religion/homosexuality talk. But man, some times I just wish everything was just nice and easy.

Creole proverb

15 08 2008

Some days are just weird days. I’m trying to stay optimist, though. That may sounds corny, but I’m trying no to let bad thoughts overwhelming me. Negative things are such a waste of time (I believe I sound like a priest or something write this… ;))  But anyway. People often think I’m naive because of my always optimistic personality. It’s almost like an insult to them. Let me give you a little tip of mine when you have bad days, it’s creole proverb (with an arab origine, I think…):

Sé pa tout chyen ki japé pou ou viré dèyè gadé’l.

Wich means: It is not every dog that barks at you that you must pay attention to. Or, if you know a little bit of french (I believe it sounds better in french than in English): Le chien aboie, la caravane passe. Wich means: The dog’s barking, the caravan is passing. Let people say what they want, do what they want, it must not affect you.

* Graciousness of my mom who used to tell me that a lot as a kid and a teen going through rough periods… 🙂  Don’t we love our moms ? 😀

The realisation of my sexuality (part 2)

2 08 2008

Check out The realisation of my sexuality (part 1)  first ! 😉

Okay, so after that birthday party and after I cried, I seriously began to wonder if I could possibly be lesbian. I didn’t panicked. Actually, I was really calm and… You know, there was no reason for me to panic. I was not against homosexuality so what was the problem ? There was no problem. But then, I had a couple of discussions about homosexuality with my dad (I didn’t tell him that, you know, I was searching for my sexuality, we just talked about it generally). I knew that my dad was against homosexuality, but before, I just thought: Oh, well, I’m not lesbian so I don’t really care if my dad hates homosexuals. Of course, I was trying to make him understand that there was nothing wrong with homosexuality, but he was just so stubborn and I just did not feel concerned. Those conversations I had with my dad really made me realise that this whole lesbian thing could be more complicated than I thought it could ever be. Only then, I began to feel more stress and panic. Even still then, I was saying to myself that, well, let’s just find information about the situation. I may not even be lesbian. I don’t know, I thought that one day would be sufficient to find all the information I wanted. Ha, ha, good joke. It was hell. I’m telling you, it was NOT funny at all. I searched over the internet (for discretion purposes). I didn’t want to talk about it yet, I was not ready. And maybe there wouldn’t even have something to talk about, you know…

There was a lot of obstacles. I mean, just try to search homosexuality on google. Hum-hum, not funny. o.0 Things are gonna pop-up everywhere, dirty things and porn sites trying to make you sign in and stuff… And when it was no porn, lol, it was Aids. Everywhere. Homosexuality seemed to me to be a very obscure thing at fisrt. I mean, of course, I knew all that. I knew about the porn sites (I mean, who doesn’t know that porn is all over the internet ?? Honestly.), I knew about aids and stuff. It’s just NOT what I wanted to know. I was a 17 years-old black girl who just wanted to find plain formal information. Poor me. Like, I was hoping to find THE website with a FAQ kind of form. I know. I’m a perfectionnist psycho. 🙂

After the porn, the pop-ups and the bad side of homosexuality, the next obstacle I bumped into was that every single site I found was either incomplete and useless or adult-related. Not like adult related, but adult-related. I mean, it was sites for 30 years-old and older people who want to go in bars or do conferences or people having problem with their sex lifes. In other words: nothing to interest me. I mean, I searched for a very long time. At some point, I even went in the sexuality aisle in the library near my house (I knew I could find things there. it’s a really big library) but I was just so ashamed, I had an phony innocent  “oh!, wrong aisle“ kind of reaction and almost ran out of the library without borrowing any book, lol. And, hum, soon enough, I felt that homosexuality seemed to be a “white“ thing. Back then, I never saw any Black Lesbian or gay or bisexual or transgendered whatsoever. I felt lonely. I felt like a monster. 😦

And, hum, you know, after a while, I kind of give up on trying to find information. Yes, I finally found a couple of things about the Black LGBT community, but so little. And it was, you know, “adult-related“. I just wanted to find someone like me, a Black person with a different sexuality. Any sexuality, I didn’t care. I just needed someone. Anyone. I wanted to know where do homosexuality come from and why are some people are homosexuals ? What are the causes ? The consequences ? Can we control it ? Is there any researches that have been done on that subject ? What does the science say ? What does the religion say ? How many homosexuals is there in the world ? Can everyone be homosexual ? Are people born with it ? Or is it something that you catch like walking down the street or something lol ? I had so much questions. So much questions and no answers. I think the problem is that I tried to find answers in book, internet, movies, magazines… Everywhere else except in my own heart. I didn’t ask my feelings like: “ What do you guys think?“ 🙂 I mean, right now, homosexuality is still a very blurry thing. I finally accepted my homosexuality even without knowing most of the answers of my questions. It’s been tough, because like I said before, I wanted to be in control. But… you know. Who really can control love ?

End of the story: No, I never met that old girl friend I felt in love with at my birthday party again. It’s been almost 2 years. I still think about her. Makes me sad… But it’s okay. 🙂

Any questions about anything ? Just ask. It’s why I’m here for. 😀