It began at a young age for me, I think. Several things happened in my live and… I mean, who knows if I was born lesbian or not ? Right now, I’m basically listening to my feelings. I believe the realisation of one’s sexuality (would it be gay or straight) should start with what your heart is telling you.
Hum… I really accepted my homosexuality when I was around 17 years-old, but like I said, things happened in my childhood. For instance, my first kiss was with a girl. At 12, I firmly believed I was lesbian yet I didn’t even totally understand what being lesbian meant lol (I read that on my diary. I was a cute kid lol). I never had an attraction for boys like my girlfriends did. Just… you know: tiny little things. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. But as a human being, I’m trying to link things together even if they probably are not supposed to be linked in the first place. But anyway. I did not wake up one morning and told myself : “Okay, now I’m lesbian.“ It’s been a really complicated and long process. Hum, I guess that like every teenager, I was asking myself questions. Not just about sexuality, but about how I felt. I was dealing – well, even today – with severe low self-esteem and at some point, I felt that I was living for my family and friends, just like a robot. I was doing what people wanted me to do, feeling the way they wanted me to feel. I was basically going through life like a machine. At some point, it became too much and, without getting rebellious, I started to wonder what I really wanted and how I was feeling. And so for my 17th suprise birthday party, almost all my friends were there (even the one I hadn’t seen for 5-6 years) and I totally felt in love with one of those old friends. During the soiree, everything was just so overwhelming that I figured out that what I felt for that girl had nothing to do with attraction, I though I was just stressed and I have to say, a little bit uncomfortable with the whole situation. I mean, for someone who had such low self-esteem as I had back then (now, it’s a bit better), having such a huge suprise party for your senior year in high school is really… outstanding. You know, it marked me. And so that party came to an end and that girl, of course, went away and… Well, I realised that I was felling something for her. Something more than friendship. But she was gone, like, forever.
I cried a lot. At first, I was angry I was crying because I thought it was just so ridiculous and silly, you know ? I was overwhelmed by my feelings and at the same time, I was highly frustrated because… I couldn’t possibly be lesbian. I couldn’t accept the fact that I knew myself so badly. It’s just my personnality. I had to be in control, I wanted to be in control, but in reality, I never was in control of anything, really. Not even my own life. So, yes, it was quite frustrating. And at that point, you know, homosexuality was not a problem itself. I mean, I was cool with that. I was a green peace girl AND a fighter for gay rigths, you know. I was fighting with words agains every homophobic person I knew. ha ha. So back then, being lesbian didn’t bother me. It was the fact that I did not know how I was that was bothering me. And to be completely honest, I probably didn’t even considered myself lesbian right away. I just thought that my poor feelings, they were all mixed up because of that birthday party.
I’ll stop this article here or it would be too long (well, I believe it’s quite long already, lol). Check out part 2 of The realisation of my sexuality. See ya on the other side !
Dare to be different 
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